My Sweet Saint Michael.

Where to begin. I ordered the perfect dress. One that would hide but accentuate the perfect baby bump. I had the perfect music playing in my mind. “It's a Wonderful World". The perfect scene of Brian, Simon and I walking down our dock holding hands fishing out a sign that says, BABY! We told close friends and the grocery store clerk. I was showing. We talked about the nursery and names and dreamt about the endless possibilities for the future. Where to begin. They always say to hold the news of pregnancy until your 12 weeks. Past the save zone. So, most women count down week after week in hopes that nothing bad happens. You hear the stories and empathize with the sadness, all the while you pray it is not your story. You count week after week. Keeping this life inside you, your secret. Your little nugget of joy. You do everything to protect this life. You eat healthy, hold caffeine no alcohol. You feel tired and sick to your stomach. And the sicker you feel the more reassured you are you are safe. The pregnancy is safe. You crave ice cream and cheeseburgers. You take out your pregnancy clothes and organize your closet. You start putting the coco butter on your ever-growing tummy and you play with your hair. It’s so thick and beautiful. I even quit my job. I just wanted to enjoy this pregnancy. Soak in the glow, sneak my cheeseburgers and ice cream sundaes and prepare for this new life I already loved and could feel growing inside my belly. I was excited for my 12-week appointment. I wanted the reassurance of that heartbeat. I went to that appointment alone. I assumed it was a textbook day. When the doc entered, she and I talked, and I said I just want to hear the heartbeat she said, "Well let’s do that first." I felt nervous for some reason. I lifted my shirt and my shiny skin on my belly exposed was ready for the doppler. Silence so still, the doctor gave me a reassuring smile and continued to move the instrument around my stomach. Breathe deep, I could see she was struggling. My heart sank. She said they would do an ultrasound and often they can’t find the heartbeat using the doppler tool, but it would show up on the ultrasound. I immediately called Brian. I didn’t want to scare him, but I wanted to prepare him. I knew then that this was going to go bad. I laid on the table alone while Brian was on speaker and the picture of our beautiful baby appeared on the screen. He was so cute and perfect. The technician said she was going to measure him. And I instantly asked if she saw a heartbeat. Pause… Melissa I am so sorry I do not see a heartbeat. My heart stopped too. "NOOO!!!" I stared at that beautiful picture of that beautiful baby in disbelief. My baby stopped growing at 11 weeks. It haunts me. That moment gripping that exam table. And seeing the most perfect baby on that screen. So comfortable inside me but no heartbeat. And I feel so sad for him. I wish I could keep him inside me forever. Just live there and be safe. But his fate was somewhere else, God called him to heaven. I thought it would get easier. Everyone tells me to be grateful for Simon. And I am. I’m so grateful. I praise and thank God every day. It has been one year almost to the day, and I still cry for my little boy that didn’t make it. 12 weeks and I loved him so much. I feel guilty for being so sad when I have a beautiful blessing in the next room. But Saint was very real to me. And I’m just mom who lost a son