How old is she anyway?

No, I am not going to spill the beans on my exact age. But we all know I am not in my 20's and certainly not in my early 30's. I always say I am no spring chicken. Which sometimes is appropriate, like chickens, women have eggs. And your eggs age along with you and as they age they decrease in number and quality. This is no surprise to so many women. We get taught this at a very young age. We get reminded of it when we go to the gynecologist every year. Yet we still get bombarded with advertisements of birth control, career women, and the classic women in her 30's that has it all. She traveled, she is a powerful career woman and she waited until her later in life to get married and had a baby just like that. We as women have been fooled into thinking that we can comprise our eggs, we can play a game of roulette with our genetics to live out the "American Woman's Dream". I realize this isn't true across the board and there are exceptions to every narrative. But this was my narrative, and I was that woman.

Yup, like so many women my age, I learned from my Mom that I wanted to be powerful and make money and rely on nobody. I accomplished that goal for so long financially. I went to college, worked very hard at a sales job and was making a 6 figure income by the time I was 30. I traveled the world. And I was alone. I knew that I was running a very fine line with my youth and my fertility. I like so many women my age thought about freezing my eggs. But at that time, it was very new and very expensive. I kept giving myself timelines. By the time I am 35 I will find a way to have a baby. 35 came and went and year after year I could feel my dreams of being a mother pass me by. I had a Lexus, a condo in the hottest neighborhood, designer shoes, handbags, and Facebook travel photos to boot. Hell, I even managed to land a spot on reality TV and had a true 15 minutes of fame. I had nobody to share this with. I was alone. I even vacationed alone, taking selfies in London with Big Ben in the backdrop all by myself. I could do anything, expect fulfill my lifelong dream of being a mother.

This photo was taken outside a cafe in Paris, 2010. It was my European trip I took by myself. I stood out like a bumblebee in that trench. Pro tip: opt for more neutral colors when traveling abroad.

By the grace of God I reconnected with Brian, a life long friend of mine. I had fallen in love with Brian when I was 18 years old. It was love at first site. I still have the journal entries describing these feelings.

This photo was taken in 1999 at Tropix Nightclub where Brian and worked together for almost decade.

Brian and I reconnected when I was on one of my fancy girl vacations in AZ. I was meeting a girlfriend of mine and we had planned to stay at a 5 star resort and Spa. We were booked for luxury wraps and massages for the weekend. Brian just happened to have been in AZ that same time. I messaged him when I noticed his location on Facebook and we had lunch. Spending time with him was just I remembered. It was electrifying. There was something different happening. Brian was looking at me differently, the chemistry had shifted and I knew that we were going to be more than friends. We haven't left each others side sense. And now are going on four years of marriage. I do believe that I was truly meant to be with this man and that this was our story God intended for us all along. I also believe we could have made a family 20 years ago and skipped the agonizing world of IVF.

I am thankful for the blessings God has brought to my life. And I couldn't be more grateful to be pregnant and having this miracle baby. It has been the hardest journey of my life. Four rounds of IVF, has lead me to here. My infertility due to age has been the dark secret in my closet for years. It has been the frog in throat every time someone has asked if I was planning on having children, when someone has said, "you better start trying your not getting any younger"and when every client, family member and friend asked, "so anything new?". They all had the hope in their eyes that I would announce I was pregnant. I am no longer going to keep my journey or infertility a secret. Welcome to my crazy world of infertility and IVF. I plan sharing as much information as I can with you all. I hope that I can help someone when they are feeling down, inspire someone young to look at the world differently and remind everyone that we are all human and going through our own struggles. And life isn't perfect or always as it seems. But we can always have peace in knowing that there is a plan for us.

I recently found a group of personal testimony video's I filmed in my car before walking into IVF clinics. I thought I would share this one. You can tell I had been crying before I hit record. I have to leave you with the cliff hanger so you come back to my blog to find out the results of that test. As always message me with questions any time! And subscribe to my youtube channel! :)